A friend recently got into a car accident. Everyone was fine, but their car isn't functional. I was concerned for her, but wasn't sure how to help. I texted to see if they were all doing alright, and she let me know about the situation.
I felt strongly that I should help. Since withdrawing from medical school, I've had significant doubts about my ability to accomplish things. So, I had a bit of doubt about whether I could handle fulfilling any offer that I made. After all, Sarah was away for her grandfather's funeral, I was watching our kids, I was sick, and several assignments were due soon.
My feelings were clear, though, that the kind of person I want to be is the kind that helps when my friends are in need. However, these feelings were accompanied by the anguish of knowing I'm not the invincible person I used to think I was. Do I have it in me to actually fulfill an offer to help?
I remembered the teachings of King Benjamin in the Book of Mormon, where he teaches his people, "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." I remembered the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, where he says, "Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
My self doubt and anxiety would get in the way of my successfully serving others. But this time, I decided not to let that happen. I texted her and offered to drive her kids to school the next day.
She didn't take me up on the offer. However, I'm grateful for the positive influence that my memory of these scriptures had on me. I overcame the fear I felt and made a sincere offer to help, ready to overcome the weaknesses that would otherwise inhibit my ability to succeed at the task.
It may not sound like much, especially since she didn't take me up on the offer. For me, though, it took some soul searching to make the offer. I'm a better person for the decision I made, and hope that future offers to help will come more readily.
Update: My heart goes out to her family. The situation seems to be getting worse. She finally did take us up on the offer, and I don't know what she would do without it. Serving has made me feel grateful to be in a position where I'm capable to do so, and so very sorry for the troubles the family is facing right now.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Statistics, Memory, and Truth
I recently had a discussion about statistics in my human disease class, and included are some of my thoughts spawning therefrom.
Concerning statistics, it is interesting (perhaps important) to question how we truly know something. If we see, feel, taste, smell, or touch something, we assume it is real, and we assume it is what it seems. However, the reality is that there are sensations, and there are perceptions. A group of people participated in an experiment where they watched a video, and were given a complex task. I can't remember the task, but I think it involved counting something in the background. The video included people walking into view of the camera, walking toward the camera, doing something like waving, then leaving. One of the people wore a giant gorilla outfit, but participants could not recall that one of the individuals in the video was wearing a gorilla outfit. They were carefully analyzing the video, and failed to see the most glaringly obvious thing. They clearly should have sensed the gorilla (activation of light receptors in the eye and transmission of that data to the brain). However, their perception was significantly lacking!
Here's a related video that gets the idea across.
The truth is that our perceptions are insufficient to make generalized claims about truth, or anything that approaches a claim about truth. I played a videogame one time where you made bets on cockfights, and found myself losing a lot. I went online to see if anyone had the solution for which birds should win the cockfights. Several individuals had posted complex schemes for how the computer decided which bird would win. I decided that I would have fun putting them to the test, so I gathered data on the cockfights and discovered that the game was random chance. Not only was it clear that the complex schemes were wrong, it was glaringly obvious that the game was purely chance. And yet, by just using judgement without statistics, these gamers were way, way off on what the truth of the matter was.
Consider the following scene from the movie Momento, as well.
I bring these examples up to point out how amazingly weak our ability to discern truth is. Statistics do not claim to be absolute. They claim to suggest probabilities. The cockfight game could have followed one of the complex schemes that someone suggested. It was just highly, highly unlikely. So unlikely that, if my goal were to discern the code behind the game, I would need to reject the complex schemes. Gambling is a means of ignoring statistics in favor of hope.
So, in an effort to make generalizable statements about what is true, we are able to use probabilities. They come with assumptions and they come with the accepted fact that the conclusions we draw from them are sometimes wrong. But they also come with the convenience of accurately describing the probability that our reality is a certain way based on past experience.
Now, as stated by other classmates, statistics can be confusing. People don't understand probabilities unless they undergo rigorous training. Even a doctor might say, "You've got 6 months to live." He or she is making a prediction based on statistics, but ignoring the fact that statistics are probabilities. What are the odds that they have 6 months to live? What is the range? What's the standard deviation? What factors might alter this patient's chances? Besides one classmate's excellent point that statistics are about groups, not individuals, this estimate, at its best, is really just a guess. Not that guessing is flat out bad. Check out this story about Fermi guessing the strength of the first atomic bomb.
To further complicate matters, different people, and different cultures, deal with medical information differently. Even if someone has a 100% chance of having cancer, they may prefer not to know. However, and I hope this point rings home to anyone planning to go into a helping profession, if the patient wants to understand their situation, it is our duty to help them understand the reality. They aren't slaves to the system, and the system shouldn't decide what they're allowed to understand!
Concerning statistics, it is interesting (perhaps important) to question how we truly know something. If we see, feel, taste, smell, or touch something, we assume it is real, and we assume it is what it seems. However, the reality is that there are sensations, and there are perceptions. A group of people participated in an experiment where they watched a video, and were given a complex task. I can't remember the task, but I think it involved counting something in the background. The video included people walking into view of the camera, walking toward the camera, doing something like waving, then leaving. One of the people wore a giant gorilla outfit, but participants could not recall that one of the individuals in the video was wearing a gorilla outfit. They were carefully analyzing the video, and failed to see the most glaringly obvious thing. They clearly should have sensed the gorilla (activation of light receptors in the eye and transmission of that data to the brain). However, their perception was significantly lacking!
Here's a related video that gets the idea across.
The truth is that our perceptions are insufficient to make generalized claims about truth, or anything that approaches a claim about truth. I played a videogame one time where you made bets on cockfights, and found myself losing a lot. I went online to see if anyone had the solution for which birds should win the cockfights. Several individuals had posted complex schemes for how the computer decided which bird would win. I decided that I would have fun putting them to the test, so I gathered data on the cockfights and discovered that the game was random chance. Not only was it clear that the complex schemes were wrong, it was glaringly obvious that the game was purely chance. And yet, by just using judgement without statistics, these gamers were way, way off on what the truth of the matter was.
Consider the following scene from the movie Momento, as well.
Leonard Shelby: Memory's unreliable.
Teddy: Oh, please.
Leonard Shelby: No, no, no, no really. Memory's not perfect, it's not even that good. Ask the police. Eyewitness testimony is unreliable. The cops don't catch a killer by sitting around remembering stuff. They collect facts.
Teddy: That's not what I'm...
Leonard Shelby: They make notes and they draw conclusions. Facts, not memories. That's how you investigate. I know, it's what I used to do. Look, memory can change the shape of a room, it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record. And they're irrelevant if you have the facts.
I bring these examples up to point out how amazingly weak our ability to discern truth is. Statistics do not claim to be absolute. They claim to suggest probabilities. The cockfight game could have followed one of the complex schemes that someone suggested. It was just highly, highly unlikely. So unlikely that, if my goal were to discern the code behind the game, I would need to reject the complex schemes. Gambling is a means of ignoring statistics in favor of hope.
So, in an effort to make generalizable statements about what is true, we are able to use probabilities. They come with assumptions and they come with the accepted fact that the conclusions we draw from them are sometimes wrong. But they also come with the convenience of accurately describing the probability that our reality is a certain way based on past experience.
Now, as stated by other classmates, statistics can be confusing. People don't understand probabilities unless they undergo rigorous training. Even a doctor might say, "You've got 6 months to live." He or she is making a prediction based on statistics, but ignoring the fact that statistics are probabilities. What are the odds that they have 6 months to live? What is the range? What's the standard deviation? What factors might alter this patient's chances? Besides one classmate's excellent point that statistics are about groups, not individuals, this estimate, at its best, is really just a guess. Not that guessing is flat out bad. Check out this story about Fermi guessing the strength of the first atomic bomb.
To further complicate matters, different people, and different cultures, deal with medical information differently. Even if someone has a 100% chance of having cancer, they may prefer not to know. However, and I hope this point rings home to anyone planning to go into a helping profession, if the patient wants to understand their situation, it is our duty to help them understand the reality. They aren't slaves to the system, and the system shouldn't decide what they're allowed to understand!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Being Mormon and Compassionate: Do Mormons think everyone else is going to hell?
Why am I thinking about this?
I recently did an internet search for the phrase "lovely, virtuous, or of good report, or praiseworthy", which comes from the 13th article of faith. This article of faith emphasizes the Mormon belief in finding and contributing to what is joyous in life, instead of dwelling in the filth and sorrow of life. I found an interesting blog post entitled "Why are Mormons so cool?" that was written over 3 years ago.http://www.thedaybookblog.com/2011/09/why-are-mormons-so-cool.html
I don't know the name of the person who writes the blog, but I found her post and the comments very interesting. One person commented that they found it surprising that Mormons believe that only Mormons will go to heaven. A response post indicated that this isn't exactly an accurate depiction of Mormon belief.
What do Mormons Believe?
I think it's fair to say that Mormons come in a wide variety of flavors, and that among Mormons you will find some who adamantly argue that Mormons are Heaven bound and those who don't catch the Mormon bus are going to wind up missing out. In contrast, there are some who will say that it doesn't matter what religion you choose in this life, because God is merciful and he gives everyone a chance. I think both of these viewpoints miss the mark somewhat. Although I will focus primarily on responding to the first, the second is equally inaccurate.What is the Mormon Doctrine?
The doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (nicknamed Mormons) is that everyone needs to receive Jesus Christ as their savior, repent of their sins, be baptized, and be sealed to a family to enter into the highest degree of glory in the Kingdom of God. This may seem rather unilateral and strict, but the Mormon belief continues. We believe that people will be able to accept or reject Jesus Christ (including baptism, etc.) after their death, and that being a good person is far more important than being labeled a Mormon. Christians (such as Mormons) who fail to live up to the standard of love and goodness set forth by the Savior in the New Testament are Christians in name only. Although none of us can hope to be worthy of returning to the presence of God on our own, we are each capable of being worthy of the gracious gift of forgiveness offered by Jesus Christ.I want to clarify that this isn't an excuse for honest seekers of truth to say, "Well, I don't need to investigate the truthfulness of this stuff, because if it's true, I can accept it after death." In contrast, it is a demonstration of God's mercy. He isn't out to eternally mess with as many people as possible. He is doing whatever it takes to save as many as possible. At the same time, death isn't going to change people all that much. Someone who rejects truth because they don't like truth is different than someone who rejects truth because they had some valid reason. A person might reject truth because it is presented to them by someone they don't trust, or because it is presented to them during a time when they aren't really ready to understand or accept it. Should they be ETERNALLY shafted? I think not.
It is also important to note that the church doctrine includes a concept novel to Mormons, as far as I'm aware, known as "degrees of glory." This concept refers to the fact that, as wonderful as Heaven is, there are many different kingdoms within it. Each kingdom will be distinct in location and population. In essence, people will end up living with others like themselves. To Mormons, Heaven is partially about a heavenly society, and the happiest society requires certain standards of behavior. There can be no greater reward or punishment than to live with people like yourself.
So who gets into heaven?
In the end, I think there are two important sides of the same coin. The first is that God expects us to do our very best. He will accept nothing less than our very best. We're all hoping to live together in Heaven, and yet, Heaven wouldn't be all that great if it had all the social problems that earth has. He needs to defend the inhabitants of Heaven from the frailties of humanity, and so he has to strictly guard entry. At the same time, none of us is good enough to earn our way into heaven, which would make Heaven a very lonely place. As cool as I think I am, if everyone in heaven was like me, it would be mediocre at best. Furthermore, the better any individual in a heavenly society is, the more unjust and unmerciful it would be of God to make them spend eternity with people who are harder to get along with. So, the standard of entry increases infinitely.So, the other side of this coin is that God has a plan. He isn't just letting us wander around in hopes of one day becoming perfect. In contrast to what some people believe that Mormons believe, he isn't expecting us to become perfect entirely on our own, either. He gave us this life to improve, to learn, to practice heaven-worthy behavior, and to prove ourselves. He also gave us the atonement of Jesus Christ to bridge that infinite gap between our current selves and the perfect person we hope to be.
Although, culturally speaking, Mormons like to say that there are no spiritual mysteries, since God doesn't want us wandering around in the dark, I'm hard pressed to explain fully how the atonement will take who I am and help me reach a state where you, the reader, would be glad to be stuck with me forever in Heaven. I obviously couldn't reach that point on my own merits, and I don't think there's a mathematical formula for goodness where he can just add to my current goodness and suddenly I'm ready. This is wonderous, mysterious, and very gracious.
So, do Mormons think that everyone else is going to hell? No. It would be more accurate to state that everyone will find happiness that far exceeds what they have on earth. God isn't cruel, and even the worst among us will find ourselves in a better place; that doesn't mean that you or I have to hang out with jerks for eternity, though. The degree of our happiness will be based on our ability to accept true happiness, and our heavenly companionship will be based on our ability to be a good companion. However, there is, of logical necessity, going to be a big difference between people who try their best, and those who also use the unfathomable power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to bridge the infinite gap from good to perfect.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Java Mawstah
I've been developing my talent of programming in Java, lately.
As a programmer, I am excellent at thinking through logical problems. My main weakness is training and experience. Pretty big weakness, but that's why I'm developing that talent. I developed a rock, paper, scissors game and began trying to port it as an applet that can be run in a web browser. As I started, I realized that I was much more interested in developing apps for smart devices. So, I downloaded the android SDK. I developed a rock, paper, scissors game for android.
It may not sound like much, mostly because it isn't much, but it was a big learning step. I've developed my first applications from concept to finish! And the android app works on my phone.
I hope to make an app that accomplishes what my Google doc talent charting does. It will require a lot of practice developing apps that can store and recall data from the cloud. I'm not sure that it'll be my next step in learning to program in java and android SDK, but it's a good goal. More realistically, I'll go back and get my rock, paper, scissors game to work as an applet in a web browser.
I applied to another job today. I didn't get the jobs with Illinois CancerCare or Prairie Education and Research Center, and I sent an e-mail asking what I can do to increase my chances in the future. Both application experiences were excellent, and I've invited them to consider me for future positions. Illinois CanerCare particularly interested me after going through the interview process.
I'm hoping to do everything possible to get myself into a good job. So, I'm considering applications to Masters/PhD programs. It's uncomfortable having as much training as I have and only having a B.S. to show for it. A B.S. in Neuroscience at BYU is nothing to look down on, and my training in Med School was really valuable. But I'm not sure that employers know how to use me. I can do a lot of stuff; I have lots of strengths and talents, and I'm improving and increasing my skills all the time.
Well, wish me luck. I think I'll set up an appointment with Dr. Headman to discuss my goals and tune-up my career plan.
As a programmer, I am excellent at thinking through logical problems. My main weakness is training and experience. Pretty big weakness, but that's why I'm developing that talent. I developed a rock, paper, scissors game and began trying to port it as an applet that can be run in a web browser. As I started, I realized that I was much more interested in developing apps for smart devices. So, I downloaded the android SDK. I developed a rock, paper, scissors game for android.
It may not sound like much, mostly because it isn't much, but it was a big learning step. I've developed my first applications from concept to finish! And the android app works on my phone.
I hope to make an app that accomplishes what my Google doc talent charting does. It will require a lot of practice developing apps that can store and recall data from the cloud. I'm not sure that it'll be my next step in learning to program in java and android SDK, but it's a good goal. More realistically, I'll go back and get my rock, paper, scissors game to work as an applet in a web browser.
I applied to another job today. I didn't get the jobs with Illinois CancerCare or Prairie Education and Research Center, and I sent an e-mail asking what I can do to increase my chances in the future. Both application experiences were excellent, and I've invited them to consider me for future positions. Illinois CanerCare particularly interested me after going through the interview process.
I'm hoping to do everything possible to get myself into a good job. So, I'm considering applications to Masters/PhD programs. It's uncomfortable having as much training as I have and only having a B.S. to show for it. A B.S. in Neuroscience at BYU is nothing to look down on, and my training in Med School was really valuable. But I'm not sure that employers know how to use me. I can do a lot of stuff; I have lots of strengths and talents, and I'm improving and increasing my skills all the time.
Well, wish me luck. I think I'll set up an appointment with Dr. Headman to discuss my goals and tune-up my career plan.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Epilogue
Captain's log 4:05 -- we just passed into Illinois. We are coming to the end of our trip and I just wanted to make sure I got a blog post done today. We're going to let our kids play with their cousin and have some dinner. Then we're going to do the final 20 minute drive home and drop. The boys have been so good!
We don't have internet, so I'll post this later.
Captain out.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Halfway through a two day trip
Sarah the boys and I have checked in the motel here in North Platte , Nebraska. We left her mom's house at 7 am . We stopped for lunch in Rawlins with Sarah's cousin and her cousin's husband.
We had a good time with them and it was refreshing to get out of the car and talk with such nice people. It was nice to get to know them a little better, and their kids were really cool.
We finished our drive today and everyone is pretty tired. We will be leaving early tomorrow for another 10 hours of driving.
This blog is the first that I've done from my cellphone which is kinda fun and exciting.
Wish us luck on the drive tomorrow!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Reworking a life, well spent.
Today is the day when I reboot my blog. It was never anything very impressive, but I'm making lots of goals, and blogging is one of them.
I've been applying for jobs, and there were a few I was really interested in. But, getting into the job stream is the hardest part. Having no job makes getting a job hard.
For anyone that doesn't know, I withdrew from medical school. It was amazing and I would have loved being a doctor. However, it was consuming and difficult. Managing personal life and Medical life was difficult. After all, I look forward to having more kids, but in med school it was difficult to even be a part of my family. If I had one thing to say to people who completed medical school, it would be congratulations. They are some of the smartest and toughest people on Earth.
As for me, it has been an enlightening experience. I have spent some time coming to grips with all this. Who am I? I defined myself by medical school. What do I truly value? What am I good at? What do I love doing?
I really was quite overwhelmed at first. I dealt with the stress and depression by drowning it out with video games at first. It was a hard time, and I needed something that I could rely on. And the rules of video games are pretty concrete. It was something I was good at and that had a high degree of predictability. In the meantime, I thought a lot about those questions. Who am I? What do I truly value? What am I good at? What do I love doing?
To be honest, I'm still working through those questions, but I don't feel nearly as lost as I did.
I began seeing a therapist, Dr. Headman. He came highly recommended, and I was able to work out financing the visits in a way that was manageable for my wife and me. After having worked with him, I would also highly recommend him.
He helped me to put many things in perspective. I stopped hiding from my anxiety behind videogames - I actually play them extremely rarely now. I looked at what I valued. I wrote down my priorities. I faced fears and faced weaknesses. And Dr. Headman helped me feel good about my progress, and encouraged additional ways of thinking through things.
Well, lets just say that brings us to today.
I have a list on my fridge of what matters most to me:
1) Make my wife happy.
2) Teach my children.
3) Clean up
4) Have a healthy lifestyle
5) Live life now
I feel like this simplifies the majority of what I care about. I think I may modify the list soon. A few modifications would include changing "make my wife happy" to "Be the best husband I can be for my wife". My reasoning is that I can't control my wife's happiness directly (and shouldn't try). Instead, I can do my best to be there for her as the kind of husband she'll be glad she married. Of course, as part of being the best husband I can be, I'll try to help her find happiness in her life.
I think I would remove "clean up" as it is only a part of what I truly value. I'll come back to how I address it a little later.
"Have a healthy lifestyle" remains, but is also addressed doubly by what I will express a bit further on.
And "Live life now" remains. The thing I'm about to address is encompassed in this concept of doing what I know I must or should or want to... right now.
I've made a list of about 4 dozen "talents" that I want to improve upon. I try to include everything that I value spending my time on, but just to give an example, some of these items are:
Read
Learn Spanish
Hike
Jog
Clean
Play with my kids
Learn to program in Java
Blog (oh yeah, I'm practicing a talent right now!)
etc. Like I said, the list is like 4 dozen items long.
I made a Google form in which I can enter the time I've spent on any activity. The form reports the data to a spreadsheet, and the spreadsheet sums up the data. I then have a personal website that I can access from any computer or my phone and enter data into the form, and see charts based on the spreadsheet.
It isn't a perfect system, but it is pretty darn good for a start. It also encourages me to do something rather than feel down or waste time.
Anyhow, I just thought I'd share this rather momentous turning point in my life, and how I've come to be the best person I've probably ever been, but with the least financial prospects I've ever had.
I am excited to get a good job, and plan on being the best employee I possibly can.
Thanks for reading. Maybe my point in life will inspire something in you, too.
I've been applying for jobs, and there were a few I was really interested in. But, getting into the job stream is the hardest part. Having no job makes getting a job hard.
For anyone that doesn't know, I withdrew from medical school. It was amazing and I would have loved being a doctor. However, it was consuming and difficult. Managing personal life and Medical life was difficult. After all, I look forward to having more kids, but in med school it was difficult to even be a part of my family. If I had one thing to say to people who completed medical school, it would be congratulations. They are some of the smartest and toughest people on Earth.
As for me, it has been an enlightening experience. I have spent some time coming to grips with all this. Who am I? I defined myself by medical school. What do I truly value? What am I good at? What do I love doing?
I really was quite overwhelmed at first. I dealt with the stress and depression by drowning it out with video games at first. It was a hard time, and I needed something that I could rely on. And the rules of video games are pretty concrete. It was something I was good at and that had a high degree of predictability. In the meantime, I thought a lot about those questions. Who am I? What do I truly value? What am I good at? What do I love doing?
To be honest, I'm still working through those questions, but I don't feel nearly as lost as I did.
I began seeing a therapist, Dr. Headman. He came highly recommended, and I was able to work out financing the visits in a way that was manageable for my wife and me. After having worked with him, I would also highly recommend him.
He helped me to put many things in perspective. I stopped hiding from my anxiety behind videogames - I actually play them extremely rarely now. I looked at what I valued. I wrote down my priorities. I faced fears and faced weaknesses. And Dr. Headman helped me feel good about my progress, and encouraged additional ways of thinking through things.
Well, lets just say that brings us to today.
I have a list on my fridge of what matters most to me:
1) Make my wife happy.
2) Teach my children.
3) Clean up
4) Have a healthy lifestyle
5) Live life now
I feel like this simplifies the majority of what I care about. I think I may modify the list soon. A few modifications would include changing "make my wife happy" to "Be the best husband I can be for my wife". My reasoning is that I can't control my wife's happiness directly (and shouldn't try). Instead, I can do my best to be there for her as the kind of husband she'll be glad she married. Of course, as part of being the best husband I can be, I'll try to help her find happiness in her life.
I think I would remove "clean up" as it is only a part of what I truly value. I'll come back to how I address it a little later.
"Have a healthy lifestyle" remains, but is also addressed doubly by what I will express a bit further on.
And "Live life now" remains. The thing I'm about to address is encompassed in this concept of doing what I know I must or should or want to... right now.
I've made a list of about 4 dozen "talents" that I want to improve upon. I try to include everything that I value spending my time on, but just to give an example, some of these items are:
Read
Learn Spanish
Hike
Jog
Clean
Play with my kids
Learn to program in Java
Blog (oh yeah, I'm practicing a talent right now!)
etc. Like I said, the list is like 4 dozen items long.
I made a Google form in which I can enter the time I've spent on any activity. The form reports the data to a spreadsheet, and the spreadsheet sums up the data. I then have a personal website that I can access from any computer or my phone and enter data into the form, and see charts based on the spreadsheet.
It isn't a perfect system, but it is pretty darn good for a start. It also encourages me to do something rather than feel down or waste time.
Anyhow, I just thought I'd share this rather momentous turning point in my life, and how I've come to be the best person I've probably ever been, but with the least financial prospects I've ever had.
I am excited to get a good job, and plan on being the best employee I possibly can.
Thanks for reading. Maybe my point in life will inspire something in you, too.
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