I recently read an article that complained about a school having children copy calligraphy during a lesson on the culture of Islam:
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/12/15/students-practice-calligraphy-by-writing-there-is-no-god-but-allah.html
I realize that this may be disturbing to some people. However, I personally see it as good education - play is the best way to learn. No child is going to know what that text says - it's just calligraphy to them. But, personally, I think it would be even better if they DID know what it said. We're talking about educating people, not indoctrinating them. Understanding what others believe is not a bad thing!!!
They let the kids draw calligraphy, try on hijab-like head coverings, and learn about the geography and culture.
The article states (in what comes across as outrage), "In other words, there were more than likely a few Christian teenagers in that room who had no idea they were writing, 'There is no god but Allah.' But the school district doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem."
It is NOT a problem. There is no Christian belief that prohibits learning about other cultures. Nobody was asked to recite any belief sacred to Islam... but why should we live in a world where we're afraid to know or even memorize alternative beliefs?
I hope that my kids are lucky enough to have teachers who make learning interactive; who present a safe environment for considering what the world is like; who help my children to challenge their preconceived notions; who open their minds to complicated issues. Personally, I WANT my children to really understand all the world.
Someone might make the argument that this is akin to showing children pornography as a means of helping them understand what pornographers are doing. I guess I can see where you're coming from, except that you and I see either pornography or Islam very differently. I tend to think it's the latter, and that Islam (the religion of 23% of the world) deserves more respect.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Communication and disagreeing
People have debated about what makes humans stand out among creatures on earth. One ecologist friend of mine argued that it was the magnitude of our many talents. Some people argue that it is our use of tools. And, you guessed it, some argue that it is our ability to communicate.
Communication affects our every day lives. We communicate with our bosses, our children, our parents, our friends, our lovers. Some communication is verbal, other is non-verbal.
I've been really stressed lately about a lot of things (I'm on the up-slope of a hill in my life, right now). So, today I got in an argument that rattled me a bit, and it got me thinking about communication. The fight may as well have been about which fruit was the tastiest, or how big an elephant can grow on a particular diet... and I don't know who raised their voice first, but there we were shouting at the top of our lungs, interrupting each other. Ignoring each other at the very same time that we were giving each other our full attention.
What disturbed me most was that once the fight escalated, it was no longer about what was right. Even though I'd like to say that I was fighting to prove a point that was correct... the reality is that by the time we had our voices raised, we had both made up our minds. And we were both angry.
Now, I raise my voice in excitement pretty often. I raise my voice because there's a lot of noise in a room, or I'm emotionally invested in the topic I'm discussing. But I very rarely raise my voice out of anger, or as some weird way of proving my point (because whoever talks the loudest and most is right, right??) I don't often do that, despite my willingness to debate most any topic.
So, I did a quick search online, looking for a good way to tone down an escalated argument, without simply withdrawing. I worry that withdrawing might imply that I don't care about the argument, or the person I'm arguing with. Obviously, there comes a point where withdrawing is on the table, but I would hate for it to be a means of disrespecting the other person or their opinion.
I found these suggestions:
1) Agree with them - instead of rapidly describing all the reasons they're wrong, state their case as reasonably as you're able. This does a few really useful things.
First, it keeps you from ignoring them - it helps you truly listen.
Second, it communicates to them that you care about their opinion. Of course you care about their opinion, or you wouldn't be wasting your time with them... but they should feel that.
Thirdly, if you're unable to find anything reasonable about their point of view, odds are you haven't truly considered it. By taking the time to clarify their argument, you consider the truth behind it.
2) Don't escalate further - Arguments aren't really worth ending a friendship or ending a marriage. If arguing is really going to end your friendship, you'd be better off mute around the person (and, indeed, one site pointed out that nobody gets angry about how you're listening to them too well). But any two people who show respect for each other can have healthy disagreements. The problems arise when you decide you WANT to fight. You WANT to make them angry. You WANT to win more than you want to converse or find truth. But, 99.9% of the time, it just doesn't matter as much as your friendship!
3) Change your argument - The reality is that every discussion has underlying messages. What is your underlying message? Is the message, "I want you to respect me" or "I'm feeling worried about X, Y, or Z" or "I want to help you" or "I had a fun idea"? Cause the points being argued about may not be the underlying issues. Pause, take a breath, and state what is underneath the argument (in a non-accusatory fashion, of course). Make your intentions known, not your argument. And, if your intentions turn out to be dumb, fess up to yourself that you're being dumb. "Ok... so basically I want to be seen as superior. That's dumb, I'd better stop acting like this toward her." or "My whole point here is that I'm an independent thinker. If I really am, I don't need to force that point." or "My whole point is to hurt her feelings. That's not a good goal."
Sometimes people give the best advice to kids:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
I generally consider myself a very open minded person. I consider myself a good listener who focuses more on the person I'm listening to than what I plan on saying. I consider myself rational and patient and friendly. I believe I've helped people in my life by simply listening to them.
But I proved today that I'm not always that way. I bet I'm not alone.
Communication affects our every day lives. We communicate with our bosses, our children, our parents, our friends, our lovers. Some communication is verbal, other is non-verbal.
I've been really stressed lately about a lot of things (I'm on the up-slope of a hill in my life, right now). So, today I got in an argument that rattled me a bit, and it got me thinking about communication. The fight may as well have been about which fruit was the tastiest, or how big an elephant can grow on a particular diet... and I don't know who raised their voice first, but there we were shouting at the top of our lungs, interrupting each other. Ignoring each other at the very same time that we were giving each other our full attention.
What disturbed me most was that once the fight escalated, it was no longer about what was right. Even though I'd like to say that I was fighting to prove a point that was correct... the reality is that by the time we had our voices raised, we had both made up our minds. And we were both angry.
Now, I raise my voice in excitement pretty often. I raise my voice because there's a lot of noise in a room, or I'm emotionally invested in the topic I'm discussing. But I very rarely raise my voice out of anger, or as some weird way of proving my point (because whoever talks the loudest and most is right, right??) I don't often do that, despite my willingness to debate most any topic.
So, I did a quick search online, looking for a good way to tone down an escalated argument, without simply withdrawing. I worry that withdrawing might imply that I don't care about the argument, or the person I'm arguing with. Obviously, there comes a point where withdrawing is on the table, but I would hate for it to be a means of disrespecting the other person or their opinion.
I found these suggestions:
1) Agree with them - instead of rapidly describing all the reasons they're wrong, state their case as reasonably as you're able. This does a few really useful things.
First, it keeps you from ignoring them - it helps you truly listen.
Second, it communicates to them that you care about their opinion. Of course you care about their opinion, or you wouldn't be wasting your time with them... but they should feel that.
Thirdly, if you're unable to find anything reasonable about their point of view, odds are you haven't truly considered it. By taking the time to clarify their argument, you consider the truth behind it.
2) Don't escalate further - Arguments aren't really worth ending a friendship or ending a marriage. If arguing is really going to end your friendship, you'd be better off mute around the person (and, indeed, one site pointed out that nobody gets angry about how you're listening to them too well). But any two people who show respect for each other can have healthy disagreements. The problems arise when you decide you WANT to fight. You WANT to make them angry. You WANT to win more than you want to converse or find truth. But, 99.9% of the time, it just doesn't matter as much as your friendship!
3) Change your argument - The reality is that every discussion has underlying messages. What is your underlying message? Is the message, "I want you to respect me" or "I'm feeling worried about X, Y, or Z" or "I want to help you" or "I had a fun idea"? Cause the points being argued about may not be the underlying issues. Pause, take a breath, and state what is underneath the argument (in a non-accusatory fashion, of course). Make your intentions known, not your argument. And, if your intentions turn out to be dumb, fess up to yourself that you're being dumb. "Ok... so basically I want to be seen as superior. That's dumb, I'd better stop acting like this toward her." or "My whole point here is that I'm an independent thinker. If I really am, I don't need to force that point." or "My whole point is to hurt her feelings. That's not a good goal."
Sometimes people give the best advice to kids:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
I generally consider myself a very open minded person. I consider myself a good listener who focuses more on the person I'm listening to than what I plan on saying. I consider myself rational and patient and friendly. I believe I've helped people in my life by simply listening to them.
But I proved today that I'm not always that way. I bet I'm not alone.
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